Alisha Verly Jensen
Mental health and wellness writer
Reviewed by Hanna Silva
Lic. Psychologist
June 16, 2023
If you struggle with making new friends, you’re not alone. More than 1 in 10 adults in the US and the UK report having no friends. One reason for this is that friend groups tend to shrink as we get older. Life changes like starting a career, moving, getting married, and having kids make it hard for people to stay connected.
Despite these obstacles, making and retaining friendships later in life is well worth the effort. In fact, the friends you make as an adult are as beneficial for your wellbeing as your family.
Spending time with other people can break the isolation-depression cycle, but if you don’t have friends or family around you, socializing takes extra energy. Depressive symptoms make us want to withdraw, and feeling lonely can worsen depression.
So, making friends as an adult is tough, and being depressed can make it harder. Still, making new friends shouldn’t feel like a burden or a chore. You can make socializing feel fun again by managing the depressive symptoms that feed into the isolation-depression cycle. Here are 3 ways to do just that:
1.Challenge negative thinking
When we are depressed, our thoughts become overly negative and pessimistic. This is called cognitive distortions, which are faulty ways of interpreting information.
For example, we may pay more attention to negative outcomes and ignore positive or neutral ones. We might also assume the worst - that people don’t like us or want to spend time with us - even if that is the furthest thing from the truth.
Cognitive distortions make us have a darker-than-reality view of the world. This influences our thoughts and how we perceive ourselves. When you think about meeting new people, it might trigger negative thoughts such as:
“I am not interesting”
“I have nothing to offer”
“Meeting people is pointless”
That’s depression talking. These thoughts may feel true, but they don’t represent reality at all. For example, research has shown that people greatly underestimate how much others like them after an initial conversation. This phenomenon is known as the liking gap, and it affects everyone, not just people with depression.
The problem with the liking gap is that we tend to act according to our beliefs, not reality. If we feel disliked, we may become withdrawn or defensive. Our behavior can make others feel rejected and less likely to reach out.
Instead of letting your baseless, overexaggerated thoughts guide your action, focus on facts and evidence. Dr. Marisa G. Franco, psychologist and friendship researcher, has the following advice:
Assume that the people you meet like you, and probably a lot more than you realize. Approaching new people with this mindset can make you feel more at ease and open, making you even more likable.
Doing this in practice can be challenging, especially if you’ve been stuck in a negative thinking pattern for a long time. In this case, you can try the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy writing exercise, Weighing the Evidence.
Weighing the Evidence
Step 1: Write down your negative thought
Example: “I will have a hard time making friends because I make a bad first impression.”
Step 2: Write down tangible evidence/facts that support your thought
Example: I don’t have any evidence of this. I’ve never been told by anyone that I made a bad first impression on them. It’s only something I tell myself.
Step 3: Write down tangible evidence/facts that counter your thought
Example: The liking gap probably applies to me, and I underestimate how much people like me at first meeting. When I met my coworkers for the first time, two of them told me that they had a good feeling about me right away.
Step 4: Weigh the evidence and re-write your thought more accurately.
Example: I think I make a bad first impression, but I realize that I don’t have any tangible evidence to support this. I have more evidence that I make a good first impression, as I have been told so by two of my colleagues.
Step 6: Whenever the negative thought pops up, challenge it with the fact-based re-written thought.
Combining this thought exercise with the mindfulness practice guide in the Flow app can get you in the right headspace to meet new people.
2. Expand your comfort zone, comfortably
The strategies that helped us make friends in childhood and adolescence don’t really work in adulthood. When we were younger, school gave us the chance to interact with familiar people on a regular basis. In adulthood, there are few places where we routinely gather together and friendships can develop organically.
While we spend a lot of time in our workplaces with our colleagues, we rarely have the opportunity to open up emotionally. We may worry about coming across as unprofessional, so we put up an emotional barrier. So, interactions with our colleagues often lack vulnerability, an essential ingredient for developing friendships.
You can recreate the ideal environment for forming friendships by joining activities that encourage repeated and unstructured interactions. For example, search for a local meetup based on one of your interests. Here are some common types of groups to get you started:
- Book clubs
- Intramural sports
- Fitness classes
- Art/photography groups
- Language classes
- Church/religious congregations
- Enthusiasts groups (film, wine, dining out, cooking, etc)
Showing up to these events is a great first step. Every time you attend, you will start to notice familiar faces, which will increase your comfort level. Plus, thanks to the mere exposure effect, people will naturally like you better just because you show up often. However, to get the most out of a meet-up, you have to actively engage with the people around you.
It can feel daunting to strike up a conversation with strangers but remember, people like you way more than you realize. Here are some tips to keep in mind:
- Smile and say hello to the people around you
- Ask follow-up questions when people share about themselves:
- That sounds really cool, can you tell me more?
- What was your favorite thing about that experience?
- Did anything about that surprise you? Why?
- Maintain eye contact
- Keep your body language open (relaxed posture, hands by your side instead of crossed, head up and shoulders back)
No matter how open and likable you are (and you are) it’s impossible to click with everyone. Other people may not be as open to making new friends or may have other issues underneath the surface that make them resistant to interacting with others.
If your bids for connection are rejected, don’t take it personally. Remind yourself that there are plenty of other great people who are ready and willing to connect with you.
What about online interactions?
As great as it feels to socialize in person, it may not be possible for you. If that’s where you’re at right now, that’s OK. You can participate in meaningful and fulfilling interactions online.
Just like with in-person socializing, look for online communities that match your interest. You can start with these platforms:
Once you join, start interacting with other members. You won’t gain any social benefits from scrolling passively. Start engaging with people by asking and answering questions, making comments, and sharing resources. Who knows, some of those online connections can lead to in-person friendships.
3. Practice giving
Social interaction is not only about making friends. Prosocial behaviors, such as offering to help someone or volunteering, can reduce depressive symptoms and negative emotions. You don’t have to perform any grand gestures. You can try any of these small acts of kindness and see how you feel:
- Give someone a genuine compliment
- Pay for the person behind you at the coffee shop/drive-thru
- Write a thank you note to someone who recently helped you
- Offer a friend a ride
- Run an errand for a neighbor
- Donate good quality items you don’t need
By making someone else’s day, you can also improve your own.
Sources
Elmer T, Stadtfeld C. Depressive symptoms are associated with social isolation in face-to-face interaction networks. Sci Rep. 2020 Jan 29;10(1):1444.
Chopik, W. J. (2017). Associations among relational values, support, health, and well‐being across the adult lifespan. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 408–422.
Boothby EJ, Cooney G, Sandstrom GM, Clark MS. The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think? Psychol Sci. 2018 Nov;29(11):1742-1756.
Taylor CT, Lyubomirsky S, Stein MB. Upregulating the positive affect system in anxiety and depression: Outcomes of a positive activity intervention. Depress Anxiety. 2017 Mar;34(3):267-280.
Palumbo, R., Di Domenico, A., Fairfield, B. et al. When twice is better than once: increased liking of repeated items influences memory in younger and older adults. BMC Psychol 9, 25 (2021).
BigThink: Americans more than ever have no friends