Hanna Silva
Lic. Psychologist
June 1, 2023
Is it possible to build strong, romantic relationships when suffering from anxiety and depression? Of course it is.
Your success depends on your own conscious actions.
If you let them, depression and anxiety can easily ruin your relationships. However, some romantic partners manage to create a nearly unbreakable connection because of the challenges that accompany mental illness.
The key is to team up against depression. View depression and anxiety as problems in the relationship, not the relationship as problematic.
The following 7 tools will definitely help you build a strong relationship
1.Communicate
Tell your partner about your condition and how they can help you during difficult times. Be specific. In what particular situations do you need encouragement to step out of your comfort zone? And in what situations do you need to recharge? When is the best time to give you a hug, and when do you prefer some alone time?
Make sure to tell them that you appreciate their support.
2. Know yourself
To be able to tell your partner how to help you manage your condition, you first need to know how to do that yourself. Psychotherapy, especially Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT), can be crucial in getting to know yourself and your needs.
Also, you need to find out what you want from a romantic relationship. What are you looking for and why? How do you know when you’ve found it?
Another important realisation is that successful relationships rely on a give-and-give system. If you seek love, acceptance and support, you must be willing to give that in return. Ask yourself: Am I truly ready to consider another person's needs? Am I as willing to lend a shoulder as I am crying on one? Even on my darkest or most anxious days, am I able to communicate my needs in a respectful and loving manner?
3. Suggest that you work as a team against depression and anxiety
All relationships come with problems (especially romantic ones). But when suffering from mental health disorders, it can be difficult to discern what issues are caused by your interpersonal struggles and what problems are merely the deceitful voice of depression and anxiety.
Imagine a scenario where negative thoughts invade your mind telling you that you are unlovable or that your partner will soon leave you. Instead of reacting with withdrawal or emotional outbursts, remind yourself that you and your partner have an important challenge to face together. Can you tell yourself that deeply critical thoughts are the voice of depression and rarely represent the truth? Can you share that insight with your partner? In doing so, the two of you have the opportunity to form a strong alliance against the critical voices in your mind.
If helpful, try to imagine how a non-depressed friend would react in similar situations. Sometimes, that can help us discern whether it’s depression or anxiety reacting, or if it’s you.
4. Protect your partner from guilt and blame
Understand that it’s not your partner’s job to fix your problems or to heal your emotional wounds. Only you can do that. And it’s your responsibility to make sure that your depression and anxiety don’t wound your partner.
One way to do that is to encourage your partner’s independence. They need to spend time with non-depressed people, pursue their career and take care of their health. If they wish to go out and you are too depressed or anxious to follow, let them out of the house guilt-free. Don’t let their healthy, life-affirming activities become associated with conflict.
5. Mobilise your support system
Be aware that your partner is not your therapist. They should not be the only person who comforts you during your darkest moments. Find more than one person to confide in. This will strengthen your independence and make you more resilient towards the natural ups and downs in your romantic relationship.
6. Accept love
It’s common for depressed or anxious people to doubt their partner’s love. At times, you might feel unworthy or unlovable, but it’s highly unlikely that your partner would ever feel that way about you. Remember that they have free will. Try to accept that it’s their choice to be around you.
Thank your partner when they offer love, compliments or help, even if you don’t believe them or if you feel it’s not enough. It can be exhausting for a non-depressed partner to be consistently rejected when offering tokens of love. Recognise that they are doing something nice for you. After all, you are a person with many admirable qualities and lovable traits (no matter what depression or anxiety whispers in your ear).
7. Seek treatment
Both depression and anxiety are treatable conditions. Make sure to seek professional help to manage your condition. Psychotherapy is highly recommended for anyone who wants to build safe relationships. It can be combined with tDCS for even better results. tDCS is a non-invasive depression treatment that can be ordered online without prescription.
Hope this helps.