Hanna Silva
Lic. Psychologist
March 27, 2023
Paradoxically, when we’re depressed we reject what we need most of all – social support. Understanding the underlying mechanisms of this paradox is key to being able to help.
Here are 3 important insights into why depressed people push others away:
1.The Depression Cycle. What motivates you to spend time with others? Probably the expectation of sharing joy, connection and love. When depressed, those experiences fade away, while lethargy, shame and hopelessness take their place.
Normally, we do fun things because we feel like doing them. But with depression, the motivation to socialise is no longer present. So, we stop taking initiative. And we miss out on everyday positive experiences, which further increases the depressive symptoms. This phenomenon is called The Depression Cycle.
The only way to break the negative cycle is to reverse it. To start engaging in social activities, one small step at a time.
But it’s not going to feel pleasant. Not at first. It may even be deeply unpleasant.
It takes time for pleasure, curiosity and joy to sprout again. So, give it time. Don’t expect a depressed person to recover in a week. The best things to offer are patience and support.
2.Cognitive distortions. Depression alters brain function and thought patterns. As depression enters our lives, we become increasingly inclined to view neutral situations in a negative light – a phenomenon called cognitive distortions.
For example, if you need to change or cancel dinner plans with a depressed person, they may immediately assume it’s because you don’t enjoy spending time with them. And they are less likely to reach out to you in the future.
Sometimes, a depressed person will reject your help because accepting help makes them feel like a failure. They may experience your offer to support them as intrusive or condescending because their negative mindset convinces them that they are beyond help.
So, it’s important to communicate your intentions as clearly as possible to avoid misunderstandings.
3.Critical thoughts. Depression can be experienced as a chamber of torture where our own critical thoughts are the most gruesome weapons. And depression makes us feel as if these thoughts are inescapably true.
The following are common examples of depressive thoughts which could make anyone avoid social contact:
“I don’t deserve company.”
“I don’t deserve to be loved.”
“If I spend time with others, they will discover how defective I really am.”
“Everyone will have a better time without me.”
“They deserve much better company than me.”
“I know they’re just pretending to like me.”
“I have nothing to say.”
“I don’t have the energy to pretend like everything is normal.”
With this in mind, perhaps it’s not so strange that depression makes us push others away?
Understanding the mechanisms of depression is a step towards giving and accepting support. And please, be hopeful. There are a few things you can do to help even when your help is rejected.
Hope this helps.